At some point on my drive-about, I realized that I wanted to live near the people who would bury the body with no questions asked. Here are pictures of most of them.
I’m not talking here about family–many of them would fall in to that category too.
I am describing a small group of friends who love me so unconditionally that they absolutely believe in me. It is this group, whose love for me blasted my own core beliefs about myself into such stark relief, that I did something about it. That’s what got me to sign up for the Hoffman Process. These friends who’ve known me for 20 to 40 years, love me and believe in me so thoroughly that my core beliefs about myself became ridiculous to me.
Yet, there they were. Unwanted. Unworthy. Unloved. All three, hidden in the deepest recesses of my own Being, alert and at-the-ready to undermine anything I tried to do in the world.
During the work at the Hoffman Process, I was able to find the dark room in my Being where they were hidden, allow the light of day to shine on them, and allow them to simply evaporate. I continue working with the tools I learned at Hoffman every day to make sure light continues to shine into the room in me where they once lived so comfortably.
So, I’ve moved back to Fort Wayne, Indiana, which by the way, has become a seriously interesting and exciting city! I’ll write more about that another time.
I’ve embarked on two life adventures that I’d like to share now.
The first one is called: “Learning to live as close to 100% from the heart as possible.” One of the tools I learned at the Hoffman Process is how to do a Quadrinity Check. The Quadrinity, a word coined by the founder of the Hoffman Process, refers to the four parts of us–Body, Intellect, Emotional Self (often the voice of the wounded child), and Spirit (the voice that speaks through insight, intuition, or from the heart, often as a felt sense).
At some point during the week at Hoffman, I realized that my Intellect has been the gatekeeper in me. The Intellect would simply ignore any needs of the Body and work through them. My Body could be screaming with pain, or other needs, and the Intellect would decide whether that voice would be heard and acted on. If my Emotional Self had needs or feelings that were judged to be inconvenient or unreasonable by the Intellect, they would be discounted or squashed. The voice of the Spirit, which comes in the form of flashes of insight or intuition, or as a felt sense in the heart, would be measured by the Intellect and a decision would be made about its worthiness.
I do recognize that some crucial parts of life have been lived in a dissatisfying and unfulfilling way because the Intellect has done the work of leading and gatekeeping. Accurately reflecting the culture in which we live, the intellect thinks that it’s the most valuable part of me.
One of the biggest moments of epiphany during the Hoffman week was coming to the (felt-sense) understanding that my Spirit is the only part of me that is actually capable of doing the work of leading and gatekeeping. The Spirit values each voice in the Quadrinity that is me, and is capable of discernment. Don’t get me wrong. My 40 year practice of daily meditation has made sure the voice of my Spirit has been expressed in life, and those are the times in life that have been both satisfying and fulfilling.
I hope that’s clear. If you have questions about this, please ask. Your questions will help me too.
The second current adventure is all about the body. It’s been unintentionally neglected a lot in life, so it is currently getting a very thoughtful saturation of both time and energy.
My right knee has been in pain for a couple of years now. It is bone on bone, which makes it difficult to walk, and has caused inflammation in the bursa in the hips. Not even alternating Tylenol and Advil cut the pain enough so that I could be somewhat active. Luckily, I found a CBD oil tincture that enables me to live and be fairly active.
Now that I’ve established a home for myself, I’ve gathered a “knee team” to assist me in getting through this knee replacement with as much ease as possible. Here’s the team:
Dr. Jon Alter, Chiropractor. He recommended the Ortho-doc I’m going to use. He told me that among his clients, the knee replacements done by this doctor recover faster.
Gina Wheelwright, Cranial-Sacral massage.
Ellen Born, Ortho-Bionomy.
Emilee at Turnstone. She directs me in muscle strengthening, overall and also focusing on all of the muscles that support the knee. She’s very good! And I really can’t say enough about Turnstone! People of all different ability levels work to improve movement and strength. The place feels like I’m working inside the home of Compassion, Itself.
Dr. William Berghoff at Ortho Northeast (ONE), is the orthopedic surgeon. Using measurements from a CT Scan, an exact replica of my existing knee will be made. Because of that, less bone will have to be removed during surgery, and that translates to less trauma suffered by the body. My left knee was replaced five years ago, and it’s never felt quite right. Dr. Berghoff looked at the x-ray and said the off-the-shelf prosthetic knee used is a little too small, so it moves from side to side in the socket. He told me the work I’m doing at Turnstone should bring the working level of that knee up by at least 50%. He told me that if it ever bothers me too much, he’d be able to fix it.
In addition to working with Emilee at Turnstone three days a week, I am also working with some knee straightening exercises given to me by the physical therapist.
I think of Conrad Satala as my “Light Worker” on the team. In my session with Conrad the other day, he worked with my already replaced knee. He asked me if I felt like the prosthetic knee is an actual part of me. Have I welcomed it. Do I think of it as part of my biology. I didn’t. It was a process to get to this, but by the end of the session, I was able to see (sort of like in my imagination) my body and the prosthetic knee as if I were looking through a quantum lens. I saw the atoms and molecules that compose my body and the titanium, saw the space between the atoms and light flowing through. Since that session, I’ve been experiencing the space between the atoms and the light that flows through that space during the night, and sometimes at the back of my mind (sort of like a continual meditation) during the day. I am working on connecting with, and welcoming the prosthetic knee that’s being made so that when it gets placed into my body it will feel at home with me and I with it.
I’m also working daily with some meditations, specific to helping my body have the easiest possible surgery and recovery.
The final team member is Cheryl Gardiner, Reiki Master. She will be giving me a Reiki session on three consecutive days beginning on the afternoon of surgery.
This is my daughter and son. They too would bury the body with no questions asked!