Step 7 1/2, noticing pieces of the miracle as they occur in life…
Yesterday, I was sick in bed all day, and I’m glad because I needed the extra meditation time. But I hope I don’t have to do that again!
I’ve noticed that I’ve had more and more “worry” thoughts in my mind lately. All of it about what letters of apology I should be writing to various people. I’ve caught myself composing letters, thinking about asking for forgiveness, wanting to somehow fix a situation in which I know people are resenting something that I’ve done (or not done). Then I add to these letters (being composed in my brain) all of the reasons that justify why I did what I did.
My mind has gotten clogged with those letters of apology and justification!
Finally, yesterday, it stopped. I went back to bed and drifted into a dream. In the dream, I was wearing a harness that I attached to a bus (filled with people), then I got on my bike and towed the bus! Really! I towed that bus full of people and I was riding my bike!
I realized that my focus has always been to jump in and “fix” relationships, taking on the work as if it is only mine to do. But it isn’t. My work is actually to step back from the situation, let go of trying to control, take the steps I need to love myself, and allow others to have the space they need to do their own inner work.
I don’t mean that I don’t apologize when that’s what is called for. I mean that it is simply time (really, past time) for me to realize that I must stop hauling that bus around! Instead, I need to get comfortable with the idea that not everyone loves me…and get comfortable with the idea that not everyone likes me.
I am working on loving myself enough to let others live their own journey, with or without me.
I have taken the harness off. I’ve ditched the bus–the folks on the bus can hire a driver!
I’m freewheeling on my bike!
CL (Choose Love),